Buddhas, elephants, and locals with bad social skills - Nech does Thailand (part 1)

“Beware of tuk-tuk [three-wheeled taxi] drivers who tell you that a popular attraction is closed and then generously offer to take you to an lesser-known but ‘better’ destination (for a fee, of course).” “Oh c’mon,” I said to myself as I read that sentence in Lonely Planet, “there’s no way they actually do that.”

Even so, when the first tuk-tuk driver told me about the election day ceremony that temporarily prevented entry to the Grand Palace, I declined his offer of an alternate location. Then I got the same story from another driver, two more people on the street, and a tourism agency who didn’t even offer another place to go. They wouldn’t lie just for the heck of it, would they? Still, I insisted they give me directions and, to my credit, I continued towards the Palace. Or at least I thought I did; the book didn’t warn me that they would also give bad directions.

Eventually, I found Wat Phra Kaew with its famous emerald Buddha, the stately Grand Palace, the giant reclining Buddha of Wat Pho, and the rising spires of Wat Arun. And, to top it off, a Thai slurpee.

Later, I felt a tap on my back while walking up Khao San Road, Bangkok’s backpacker central. Surprised, I turned and found a friend from my first Wharton class, Management 100. He was studying abroad in Australia and also traveling in Thailand with a Penn friend. “I’m really impressed you recognized me,” I said at the end, “I must have walked right by you.” “Truth be told,” Eric responded, “with your hat, sunglasses, and giant backpack, I couldn’t tell who you were. But that [pointing at the Management 100 shirt I was wearing] gave you away.” Cohort Rupee represent.

After flying with Brian north to Chiang Mai Sunday night, we embarked Monday on our two day trek in Mae Hong Son led by Bowy and joined by two Dutch girls. After stops at the butterfly garden and elephant riding(!) (they’re huuuge!)(but not nearly as huge as the giant Buddha), we began the first part of our hike – 3.5 hours through mud and streams up a mountain. We arrived at a small village before dusk, wet and tired. Brian and I eagerly accepted a “local” massage, something we both had extensive experience with (12 hours combined at $3-6 per hour, plus a six hour course for me). But this was no ordinary massage.

And no, it wasn’t a “special” massage either.

The fun began even before we started, when we attempted to ask for the two younger masseuses instead of the 80 year-old shriveled woman. So awkward. And very unsuccessful.

At first, I got one of the younger ones and Bri had the grandma. He looked at me menacingly “I hate you. You did this on purpose.” I was laughing too hard to respond. Suddenly, they switched. Oh joy. Then, the other woman jumped in and started massaging Brian’s feet. “Hey Nech, do you see the one near my feet?” “Yah.” “She’s only using one hand.” “So?” “The other hand is holding a baby.”

Soon they start motioning to Brian and pointing at his stomach. “You very big!” ***DISCLAIMER - Brian is normal sized; to Thai people, all Americans are very big*** they declared as they spread their hands apart the width of his tummy; the women repeated this many times to make sure he understood. “Thanks, guys.” “Don’t worry Bri, you look great.” Meanwhile, I’m still being pummeled by the old woman while dying with laughter. It didn’t help when one of the women motioned to her three year old son and pointed at Brian’s arm, saying something in their local dialect. Now, in addition to the two women and the baby surrounding him, he also had the little dude poking his arm.

It was the only time we ever got five masseuses (six, if you count the two-year old daughter standing next to us). Though, to be fair, a later masseuse did tell me that my butt is “full.”

Other massage parlors advertised fragrant candles, peaceful music, air conditioning, and oil. Here we got random villagers walking in to stare at us. And each time, the women would demonstrate exactly how big Brian was. All the while, they were chatting and laughing at us. “What do you think they’re saying?” “Did you see that one’s butt? He’s bigger than an elephant.” “I know! He’s so fat, he’s got more Chins than a Hong Kong phonebook.” “Ha ha ha ha.”

Least relaxing massage ever.

The next day we continued the trek with a lot of mosquito bites (our nets at night were only partially effective), some more hiking, a pretty waterfall, and rafting. By late afternoon, we were back in Chiang Mai.

Check back next week for part two of Nech does Thailand.